Reliving the Past
by Gwenyth Hunter
Summary: Formerly Untitled. When a patient reminds Ray of his childhood, he finds himself reliving the past and why he became a doctor.
1. Chapter 1

**Title:** untitled for now  
**Author:** GwenythH  
**Rating:** FRM  
**Disclaimer:** Ray Barnett, Neela Rasgotra and other recognizable characters contained belong to ER, NBC, John Wells, Michael Crichton, ect. No infringements of these copyrights are intended, and are used here without permission. The characters of Will Gordon, Maddie Hall, Brian Murphy, and the Fords were created by me. Ray's mother was not, I only named her.  
**Spoilers:** Mild ones for Only Connect, Spilt Decisions, Lost in America, Strange Bedfellows, The Gallant Hero and the Tragic Victor, 21 Guns, Bloodline and Graduation Day  
**Content Warning:** Violence, Child Abuse & Profanity  
**_Author's Note:_** Just my little take on Ray's past and why he became a doctor. And what would happen if that past came back to haunt him. I want to thank Darshana for beta-ing for me. She helped whip this chapter into shape! Enjoy! 

8888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888

_**Seattle 1988**_

It had been a trying day.

Between the twins in exam two with the flu and the wino detoxing in curtain three mumbling something about an impending apocalypse, he wanted desperately to call it a day.

"What have we got?" he asked the nurse as he approached exam four.

"Ten-year old abuse victim. Looks like a broken right-arm with possible fractures of the ribs on the left side and left cheekbone." She sighed sadly. "The kid's one giant bruise."

"Shit."

She grimaced. "Yeah, that's not all. They brought his mom in too. She's up in surgery for some internal bleeding." "

Nights like these he wondered why he became an ER doctor.

"You ready?"

The doctor glanced down at the chart to get the patient's name. "As I'll ever be."

They entered the exam room. A boy with brown hair and green eyes sat on the exam table hugging his right arm to his body.

"Hi Raymond! I'm Dr. Gordon, but you can call me Will. And this is Maria, she's the nurse who's going to be helping me out."

"It's Ray. How's my Mom?"

"I'm not sure, but I do know they're doing everything to make her feel better upstairs. I'll find out more as soon as I'm done taking care of you. We're going to need to take an x-ray to get a better look at your arm. And your ribs and face." He gently took Ray's chin and studied the damage done to his face. "Your cheekbone may be fractured." He paused. "I hope you got a shot in."

Ray looked startled at that statement, and then his eyes darkened. "I hit him in the knee cap with my bat. That's what got me the face."

"He started on your mom?"

The boy's face screwed up with rage. "I told him to keep his hands off her, but he was kicking the shit out of her when I got home from practice. So I just started swinging at him."

"How long has this been going on?"

Ray looked down at his tennis shoes. "Four years now. Since they got married."

"So he's not your father?"

"No! I don't like him! I'll never call him my dad, or step-dad!"

"Where's your real father?"

"Don't know, but at least he's not around to beat on us too!"

"Well, lets get you up to x-ray."

"Do you want me to get Dr. Ramsey so you can sign this over to him? You're shift's over," Maria offered in a quiet voice. Unfortunately Ray still overheard and shot her a resentful glare.

"No, I'll take care of this one. Besides, we're still backed up, so Prentis will probably want me to stay and help anyway."

Maria nodded and they began to push Ray's gurney out into the hall and toward the elevators.

They passed a man handcuffed to a gurney with two police officers guarding him.

"You little shit!" he screamed as soon as he saw Ray. "I'm gonna get you for this. You are dead, punk!"

Ray looked at the man defiantly, but Will noticed he cringed a little.

"Just ignore him Ray," Maria insisted gently. "He's not worth getting worked up over."

Ray smiled at her as they got on the elevator. As the doors closed they could still see the man fighting against the cuffs so hard it looked like he'd tip the gurney.

88888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888

After the x-rays were done they took Ray back down to the exam room. Will sent Maria to call up to OR to find out about his mother.

"What's going to happen now?" Ray asked softly, trying to stop the tears that filled his eyes.

Will looked at Ray. He'd been trying so hard to maintain the tough-guy facade throughout the whole ordeal, but now he just looked like the little boy he was.

The doctor sighed. "To be completely honest Ray, Child Services will probably be called and they'll come here and take you into protective custody. After that, if they can't find your biological father or any other relatives, they'll probably place you in a foster home. Your step-father is going to jail. And your Mom's going to be here for a while as she recovers."

Ray nodded, some of the tears escaping and rolling down his cheeks. "At least you didn't lie to me. Mom lies all the time and says that Brian loves us and that he'll be better next time. Always next time."

"She probably wants to believe that. It may give her a sense of comfort and hope instead of thinking about how miserable you two actually are."

"Yeah, I guess."

Maria came back in with a soft smile for Ray. "Your Mom's in recovery now. They stopped the bleeding. She should be fine in no time."

Ray dropped his head back against the pillow and he threw his good arm over his eyes. They could tell he was softly crying.

"We're going to go check and see if your x-rays are back then we can set your arm and get a cast on," Will offered. With that they left to let him have a little time to himself.

8888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888

Child Services arrived for Ray as Will was signing Ray's cast.

"Hey Will," the case-worker greeted. "And you must be Ray Barnett?"

"No," Ray mumbled sinking back against the gurney like he wanted to disappear.

"Ray," Will scolded gently. "Don't lie."

"Sorry," he said, even though he didn't seem to be.

"That's okay. I know it's been a rough day for you. I'm Maddie Hall. I'll be your case-worker." She sat down on the edge of Ray's gurney. "I just need to get some info from you. Do you have any relatives we can contact?"

"No."

"Do you know your father's name? Maybe we can find him."

"George Barnett. But you won't find him. Mom says he doesn't want to be found."

Maddie nodded and jotted down her notes. "Ray, I'm going to have to take you to a foster home for the time being. At least until we can track down your father or any other relatives."

"What about my Mom? Can I go back to her when she gets better?"

"I hope so, but I can't promise anything."

Ray scowled. "That means no."

"No, that means we'll see. As in it's too early to tell. But there will have to be a hearing first, to determine if she's capable of caring for you."

"Whatever. Can we just go?"

"Sure."

"One thing first," Will said pulling his prescription pad out of his pocket. He jotted something down then tore the sheet off, handing it to Ray. "I want you to call me if you need anything."

Ray took it and looked at Will skeptically. "Riiiiight."

"I mean it," Will reiterated as he sat next to Ray on the gurney. "Have I lied to you yet?"

Ray shook his head.

"Promise you'll call, no matter what, if you need me."

He looked up at Will, then moved closer to the man and leaned his head against Will's arm. "I promise," Ray whispered.


	2. Chapter 2

_Chicago 2006_

Sometimes Ray wondered why he became an ER doctor. His day had consisted of an old wino in curtain one vomiting on him, a mother in labor screaming obscenities at him on her way up to L&D and a seven year old in exam three who had a ugly case of diarrhea and ended up code brown.

While he was always thankful that Will came into his life, did the man have to be such an influence on his life? If it weren't for him, he would have never become a doctor. He'd be happily playing music with his band.

Ray chuckled. It wasn't the first time he bemoaned his choice to be an ER doctor, and it wouldn't be the last.

"Hey Barnett," Greg Pratt called from admitting as Ray exited exam one where he had finished suturing a head lac on a fifteen year old skateboarding daredevil. "We've got incoming. Ten year old LOC from a blow to the head. Possible fractured left arm. Contusions to the face and upper body shaped like a foot. Sounds like a serious case of abuse."

Ray felt a rush of familiarity. "Shit," he sighed as they got ready to meet the ambulance.

"Yeah," Pratt agreed.

Just a matter of five short minutes later the storm was upon them.

The Paramedics were listing the vitals off rapid fire, but Ray and Greg were able to follow it all without blinking.

As they wheeled the boy into trauma one Ray caught sight of a timid looking woman following. Her face was bruised and she was cradling an arm to her side.

"Are you his mother?"

"Yes. His – his name's Tim," she said softly.

Ray turned to the boy and gently pried open an eye, flashing his pen light. "Hey there Tim. Can you wake up and open your eyes for me."

"Bp's down to sixty-five over forty-two," Chuny announced. "Pulse fifty-four."

"Push an amp of epi," Pratt ordered.

"What's happening?" his mother cried. "Will he be okay?"

Pratt glanced up at Ray. "I got this; you wanna take a look at mom and explain."

Ray looked at the frail woman and nodded. He stepped away, stripping off his gloves. Gently he led the woman away. "I think we need to get that arm looked at, Mrs…"

"Peck. But what's happening to Tim?"

Ray led her to an empty exam room. "Mrs. Peck, his blood pressure and heart rate were dropping, so we gave him a med to bring it back up so we can stabilize him." Ray carefully eased her injured arm out so he could check it out. "Then he'll be taken to imaging. We need to do a CAT scan to determine how bad his head injury is."

"Will he be fine?"

He sighed. "We'll know more when we see the scan."

Ray studied the woman carefully. "Did he try to stop your husband from beating you?"

She gasped and pulled away from Ray. "You don't know what you're talking about," she denied tearfully.

Looking down at his shoes he said, "yeah, I do. Are you afraid to leave him?" he asked glancing back up and looking her in the eyes.

"He'll kill us if we leave," she whispered brokenly.

Ray nodded. "He may try. But do you want you and your son to live like this for the rest of your lives?"

"Do you understand what our lives are like?" she asked Ray desperately.

"Yes. I was Tim's age when my step-dad almost beat my mom to death. I got home and tried to stop him. We both ended up in the hospital and I guess in an odd way it was the best thing that happened. I met my mentor Will. He's the reason I became a doctor. And my mom began to realize she couldn't live like that. It wasn't easy and it took six years, but my mom and I got away from Brian. Not before he did try to kill us. But it's worth the risks to leave. You won't have to live your lives in fear all the time!"

The mother started to cry. "I don't want my son to live like this!"

Ray awkwardly placed an arm around her shoulders. "I know you don't. We'll help the two of you find a way. The hospital's Social Services case worker is really good. She can help."

She nodded tearfully.

"Okay, let's go get an x-ray of your arm and find out if you'll need a cast, then I call Social Services for you."

8888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888

Ray was exhausted by the time his shift was over.

Tim, according to the CAT scan, had mild intracranial bleeding. But he was now conscious and being admitted to the ICU.

He'd managed to get Wendell Meade down soon after Tim's mother received the news. She visited with Mrs. Peck and counseled her on her options concerning her son's condition and her husband's abuse.

"Wendell," Ray said as he poked his head into the exam room the two women were sitting in. "I'm going upstairs to help with the admit paperwork for Tim. I'm thinking he should be SNI."

She nodded. "Good call."

"Wait. What's SNI?" Mrs. Peck asked.

"Strictly no information," Ray answered. "If your husband calls the hospital to ask if your son's been admitted, no information will be given out. We're hoping it will keep him from coming down here to harass you."

"Can I go see Tim now?"

Wendell gave Mrs. Peck an encouraging smile. "Why don't we go up with Dr. Barnett?"

Ray nodded and led the way to the elevators.

888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888

Neela Rasgotra was following Dr. Crenshaw into ICU to check in with a patient going to surgery when she saw Ray standing outside one of the rooms.

He was so engrossed in watching whomever the patient was that he never noticed her as they passed.

The look on his face nearly stopped Neela in her tracks. Ray looked so sad and introspective, like he was looking through time at something else.

As it was, it made her slow her steps, which Crenshaw noticed.

"I'm sorry Dr. Rasgotra, am I keeping you from something?" he asked, voice dripping with his usual disdain. He glanced over at Ray, who had taken notice of them. "Or some_one_?"

Ray pressed his lips together into a flat line and nodded to her once before turning and walking away.

88888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888

On their way back out, Neela took advantage of Dr. Crenshaw's preoccupation with one of the ICU nurses to glance into the room that had held Ray's interest earlier.

There was a young boy lying in the bed, hooked to oxygen, pulse oximeter, and IVs. His face was a mass of blue and purple bruising and his left arm was immobilized in a cast.

Seated next to his bed was a weary looking woman reading to him, while he fiddled with his cast with his good hand. Her face, too, was covered with bruising and she had her right arm in a sling.

Neela glanced away. It was obviously a case of physical abuse. She knew Ray, like herself and many of the other doctors, despised abuse. He always became angry, but she had never seen him look so morose.

88888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888

For her lunch break Neela found herself down in the ER. She was curious about how that boy had affected Ray so much.

"Hi Neela," Abby greeted when she entered the lounge.

"Hi. I know this seems like an odd question, but did you happen to work on the boy that was admitted to ICU?"

Abby shook her head, looking thoughtful. "Nope, but I'm pretty sure Ray did. But he left hours ago. Oh, and Greg. He's still here."

"Thanks." She left to find Pratt.

She didn't understand why she was letting it get to her, but something about Ray's behavior touched off something in her.

Greg was coming out of exam two when she found him.

"Greg."

"Hey. How are things in the OR?"

"Good. I have a question for you."

Pratt raised an eyebrow and crossed his arms over his chest. "Okay."

"Did you work with Ray on the boy that was admitted to ICU?"

"Yeah. Why?"

"I can guess it was an abuse case, but was there anything else about it? Was Ray acting strange about it?"

He shook his head. "No." Then he paused in thought. "Well, when he came back down after helping admit the kid, he did seem a little off."

"Off? Like how?"

Pratt sighed. "I don't know. Kinda quiet I guess."

Neela nodded. "Thanks."

Before she could walk away Greg put a hand on her shoulder. "Why is this bothering you?"

"I don't know. It was just the look on Ray's face when I saw him up there."

"You know how we all get about abused kids. Especially Ray."

"I know, but he seemed different. Like it was personal."

"Just, give him a day or two. Some of them hit you harder then others. Okay?"

"I guess you're right." She let out a sad chuckle. "And it's not like I talk to him about much of anything lately. Especially the really hard cases."

"Neela…"

"I need to get back upstairs."

Greg nodded and let her go.


	3. Chapter 3

AN: Sorry it's been so long, but RL got in my way. But hopeully I'm on track now that I have more free time.

888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888

_Seattle 1988_

Ray followed Aaron and Sarah Ford into his mother's hospital room. It was his first chance to see her since he'd been released from the ER three days ago into his caseworker Maddie's care. She'd taken him to straight to the Fords for an emergency placement and started looking for a more permanent home.

The Fords were nice enough. They had a sixteen year old son named Dale who had taken Ray with him to play basketball with some neighborhood kids at the park the day before. Ray didn't think he'd be so cool about things if he were in Dale's place.

"Mom!" Ray exclaimed rushing over to his mother to hug her with his good arm.

"Baby, how are you?" She moved him back so she could study his bruised face.

"I'm okay. How do _you_ feel?"

She sighed. "I've felt better."

"Hi Ray."

Ray had been so focused on his mother that he didn't notice Maddie was waiting in the room with his mom. "Hey."

"Aaron, Sarah, this is Emma Murphy. Emma this is the family I told you Ray will be staying with."

"Hello," Sarah greeted reaching out to shake Emma's hand.

"Hi."

"Ray," Aaron said pulling out a dollar bill. "Why don't you go get a soda while we talk about working out a visitation schedule for you and your mom? It will only take a few minutes, then you can visit with her for a long as you like."

Ray gave the adults a cross look. "I don't see why I can't stay."

"Just a few minutes Ray," his mom insisted gently. "Then we don't have to worry about cutting our time short."

"Fine," he sighed taking the dollar Aaron offered.

8888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888

Ray stalked down the hall to the vending machines. He was mad. Why couldn't he stay? It affected him too, so shouldn't he have a say?

Why couldn't they be honest?

Tears began to fill his eyes and he angrily brushed them away with the back of his hands. He knew they were talking about the fact that Ray wouldn't be going back to his mom when she got out of the hospital. Maddie had told him as much when she had picked him up in the ER.

It made him mad when adults lied to him. That's all his life had been, lies adults told him.

Stopping in mid stomp he frowned and pulled out the paper Will had given him. Maybe he was at work right now.

Will hadn't lied to him. Would he lie now?

Ray ran to the elevators and punched the button for the first floor.

88888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888

Will looked up from were he was suturing a head lac on a passed out drunk the cops had brought in when the unit clerk poked her head around the curtain.

"There's some boy here looking for you."

"What? Do you know who he is?"

"Says his name's Ray."

Will searched his brain. He thought the name sounded familiar, but couldn't recall why.

"I'll be right there."

He finished the stitches and pulled out his prescription pad to write down instructions for the officer watching over the man.

That's when it hit him.

The abused boy from the other night. He had given him his number to call if he ever needed anything.

Will knew some patients affected you more than others. This kid was one of them. He had tried to protect his mother from the bastard beating her and landed himself in the ER for his troubles. And Ray tried so hard to be a grownup the whole time. It was sad when a kid was forced to be an adult before their time.

He walked out and found Ray sitting with Carly, one of the nurses, spinning around in one of the chairs behind admit.

"Hey Ray. What are you doing here?"

Ray glanced at him suprised. "You remember me?"

Will remember how much Ray valued honesty from an adult.

"Well, not at first, but I thought I knew your name from somewhere. Then it hit me. So how's your mom?"

The boy shrugged. "She seemed okay. Right now she's talking with Maddie and the Fords. They wanted to talk by themselves." Ray snorted. "Like I don't know what they're talking about. Stupid," he mumbled.

"You know they're gonna be worried when you don't come back."

"So," he snapped. Oh, the kid was pissed.

"Okay, my break's coming up. I'll take you back upstairs and you can tell them how you feel about being left out and what you already know or guess about what's happening."

Ray looked at Will like he'd grown another head. "Are you crazy? They won't care!"

"You'd be surprised."

Ray rolled his eyes. "Whatever."

888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888

Ray let Will lead him back into his mother's room.

"Hey Maddie," the doctor greeted. "How's it going?"

"Fine." Maddie studied the pair. She pinned Ray with an amused look. "So you figured out they put the best vending machines are down in the ER break room, huh?"

Ray blushed and looked down at his shoes.

"Of course," Will answered for him. "And you find all the best doctors there too, right Ray?"

Ray remained silent in his embarrassment.

"You must be Ray's mom," Will said coming over to the bedridden woman and shook her hand. "I'm Will Gordon."

"Hello."

"Did we interrupt, or did you already hammer out the visitation schedule?" Will asked.

"Right," Ray snorted, forgetting his embarrassment. "Did you already tell my mom I'm not going home to her?"

"Ray…" Maddie began.

"I'm not stupid!" Ray's voice overlapped Maddie's.

Will put a hand on Ray's shoulder to quiet him. "Okay, before this gets out of control, let's all be honest. Ray's a smart kid. He already knows most of what's going on. And what he doesn't, he's tried to figure out. So to avoid any wrong assumptions, let's lay out all the cards."

Ray glanced up at Will, tears welling up in his eyes again. He squeezed his eyes shut and swallowed them down. Then he looked at Maddie.

"I'm not going home when mom gets out," he said quietly.

Maddie held out her hand to Ray. He carefully took it and allowed her to pull him over next to her and his mother's bedside.

"Not immediately Ray. She's going to be required by the state to take parenting classes and abuse counseling. But she _will_ have visitations with you. They'll start out as visits after school. Then later she'll be allowed to take you home on the weekends. After a ten to twelve month period Social Services will schedule a hearing. If she follows all the requirements you'll go home. Do you understand?"

Ray nodded. "I don't know why you couldn't tell me in the first place."

"The way each child handles being taken away from their parents is different. I didn't know how well you'd handle the news that you won't be going home for a long time."

"Well, it sucks, but I can handle it. As long as I get to see mom. Or don't have to move around a lot. Freddy Jenkins lived down the street from us and said he's been in and out of different homes."

"You're going to be staying with us Ray," Aaron assured. "We know how important it is for you to stay in one place. So as long as you're happy with us, you can stay."

"Okay."

"Now that the air's clear," Will said clapping his hands together. "I'll grab a wheelchair, and Ray and his mom can take a stroll. Sound good?"

Ray smiled brilliantly. "Sounds good."


End file.
